Le Béret: How To Forget Anything
How to Forget Anything (Without Drugs or Alcohol)
–by Le Béret, Guest Contributor
DO go to high school and college reunions. You’ve forgotten everyone anyway and together you can manufacture a new history, when everyone was happy, sexy, could stay up for days, engage in brilliant debate, and have the choice of any career or spouse in the world. Regret earns you bonus miles.
DO only eat eggs. No one remembers eggs.
DO hold grudges. Don’t forgive anyone and soon you’ll have no one left to remember, or to remember you.
DO go back to a city in which you once lived. Walk the streets and see how shops have closed, restaurants have changed hands, condo projects built. Mourn either the seedy decay or the cute gentrification. Go to places where dead or relocated relatives lived. Rinse and repeat.
DO NOT delete important computer files. Keep working and the files will do that on their own. Just like your brain.
DO NOT bother to pay your income taxes or keep any receipts. That’s why they employ the good people at the I.R.S.: to help remember things for you.
DO hang around much younger people. They won’t give a damn about what you remember and laugh at you for thinking they do.
DO listen to the elderly. They are skilled at losing important recent memories and fictionalizing your shared distant past. The elderly should be sought for their wise counsel and you should heed their advice. By doing so, you will choose a safe future, one in which you try nothing and don’t go anywhere. This helps keep you from creating new memories.
Le Béret: Groaners
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–My editor told me I should use a semi-colon, but first I have to consult my gastroenterologist.
–I tried to buy a monocle shop, but I couldn’t handle the fine print.
–FOR SALE: One slightly dented unicycle. Neck brace included.
Le Béret on Success
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–When I became a man I put away childish things, because I liked the Porsche better.
–In America, there are no encores (unless you clap really, really loud).
–Marco Polo explored more than swimming pools.
Le Béret’s Fortune Cookies
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–The common king that buys a shirt becomes a philosopher.
–Never smell the inside of a hat.
–Do not be too proud to buy a bargain, or steal a husband
Le Béret, Therapist
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–I have two sides to my brain. I carry my circus and my analyst everywhere.
–Don’t think of your challenges as obstacles! Think of them as hopeless, life-ending tragedies.
–In the era of MP3s, no one wants to listen to a broken record.
Le Béret on Relationships
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–Many a man plants a seed and harvests a headache.
–Surprisingly few assignations cause assassinations.
–It appears that everyone is paired up now, but in spring a young woman’s fancy turns to thoughts of breaking up.
Le Berét, Special Election Edition
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–I am a rational person who once believed I could reason with an unreasonable person. I have realized that is irrational.
–I am impressed that you hold an opinion that is different than mine. It doesn’t make you right.
–Vote for the candidate that promises change.
Le Béret
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–Despair is no excuse for unsightly rust stains.
–Underneath every clear complexion, there’s an angry pimple yearning to breathe free.
–At a funeral, a smile is a tear wrapped in a fond memory.
Le Béret Redux
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–Anyone who thinks that life is short hasn’t been to the DMV
–I would compete against myself, but I’m afraid that I would lose.
–Hard times? The deep valleys make the mountains seem more majestic and inspirational. However, when you fall off the cliff the rocks hurt like a son-of-a-bitch.
More Le Béret
Le Béret, Guest Contributor
–Sunshine is the happiest carcinogen.
–There’s no one more boring than a successful dieter.
–There have been dark times when I have glimpsed my secret, tragic self and asked: “Plain…or Peanut?”
Our Guest Contributor
Le Béret (Photo: Sarah Hazlegrove)
Our guest contributor is Le Béret, a café denizen whose profound observations will no doubt change a generation of thought.
Here are some of his recent observations:
–If you air your dirty laundry, air on the side of caution.
–There is nothing to fear when telling a perfect lie.
–For the persona that pleases, try hypocrisy.
Look for Le Beret’s comments from time to time. His wisdom has really influenced my life and I hope he’ll also amuse you, inspire you, and make you contemplate your place in an indifferent universe.
Sam
